Through all the laughter....

I forget that this is the end of a marriage.  I'd be fooling myself if I said that there were never good times.  The birth of babies, trips to the beach, seeing the mountains in Colorado, the ocean in California,  history in Europe.  The imprints of these significant things are overshadowed by the absolute horror of the day to day goings on in my life

Its like a death, yet so completely different.  I stay awake wondering how this happened.  How I was deceived, and how my boys are going to handle all the weight put upon their shoulders.  How does someone live with all the lies, how do you keep them straight, and how do you look at yourself in the mirror knowing that you singlehandedly ripped so many lives apart, yet act so nasty and flippant?

Its funny how many stories of marriages that have weathered the storm have seemed to surface.  Were they there all along?  Are my eyes just opened to them because of this situation?

I heard the story of a marriage where the husband became addicted to cocaine, and became an alcoholic.  The wife and the husband worked things out.  The husband completely clean and sober leads a completely amazing life still married.  She could have left but she didn't.

I saw the marriage of an amazing couple.  The husband stricken with cancer slowly died.  The wife stayed with him till the end.  Watching every part of him that she loved be taken away, till finally he passed.  She could have left but she didn't.

I recently watched a friend lose her husband.  They had not been married long but had recently had a baby, the devotion they had to each other in their short courtship and way to shot marriage due to death made me feel a little like the veveteen rabbit.  What is real?  What is not?

That leads to the question is, did I do enough to encourage my marriage?  Do others?  My marriage was irreparable but can marriages be fixed with a little or a lot of work?  

These marriages are based on respect, love, honesty, and friendship.  They were so much more than the marriage I endured.

Honesty.  Respect. Love.  Friendship........

The first inclination of an impending earthquake

I am not sure how I got in this situation.  I felt up until about 3 months ago I had the white picket fence, cute family pet, children that occasionally misbehaved but loved me and a husband that loved me as well despite our occasional disagreements.

I've read that before a tsunami things are eerily quiet.  The wind may blow but there is a noticeable calm before destruction.  I found that true in the destruction of my marriage.  The first crack in our marriage appeared when my husband began going out late at night with his "sister".  My husband groomed himself as if he was getting ready to grace the cover of GQ.  I thought to myself what a waste of a decent looking guy.  Why spend time with his sister instead of his wife and kids?  No romantic dinner, no movie with friends and coffee, it was he and his sister.  Call it the parent in me but what good thing could he be doing leaving home at midnight-nothing goes on at that time but no good.  I was bombarded with criticism on the way I dressed, the amount that I weighed, and the frequency of my workouts, what I ate, etc.  I felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper in a hole I didn't want to be at.

Despite these cracks, there was a strange calmness.   I can't really describe it, it was more a feeling than a reality.  My husband and I began leading separate lives.  I rarely spoke to him during the day, never emailed him, and rarely even spoke to him at all.  We lived in the same life but were other than our home and kids leading mutually exclusive lives.

As a mom my first priority was protecting my kids and of course my marriage.  I foolishly let my husband sleep in from his late night/early morning binges.  I made certain that the kids didn't disturb my husband.  I kept things from them when my son asked me where dad went out so late, and of course I hid my increasing depression from my kids. 

My work and social life began suffering.  I didn't want to go out with friends, I preferred to stay home but at the same time didn't want to stay home with him.  I began fearing divorce and had no idea why I felt this way or if it were going to happen.  It was if I was in a dark corner with nowhere to go.

Things aren't always as they appear

Things started looking a little rocky earlier this year.  I felt as if our marriage was in a lull.  For a while  I thought a change in scenery would fix things.  Colorado?  Portland?  Florida?  Mars?  I felt like some distance from our troubles would be the magic catalyst to make our lives happy, normal and blissful again.  His overbearing parents would not be able to interfere, we could start our lives together in a new surrounding, discover a new environment together, and recharge out batteries so to speak.  This new world would be all ours and our kids.  We could make new friends, start new jobs, find new favorite hang outs.  It seemed as if my husband seemed to have changed overnight, I was stupid enough to think this change of city would change things.  It would be that simple and magical in my mind.   Little did I know his "secret".  He was all over the place, sad thing was that it was never home.  His children missed him, and truthfully his wife did too.  Our lives started going separate ways.  I began being insulted more often.  I was too fat, I couldn't cook, My divorcee friends were a bad influence, my dad was unbearable and "bought my kids", the list went on and on.  It began to become a double edged sword.  I started plunging into a depression so to speak.  My friends at work told me that the twinkle in my eye was gone, and I slept more, which of course caused me to be under much more scrutiny.  I tended to stay home with our kids, and he began regressing age wise and to be honest he started looking like a fool.  The clothes he wore began to make me wonder but at this point I had no idea that I was a "beard".  He began wearing heavily embroidered shirts, Night at the Roxbury style and he began hanging out at some questionable establishments.  I chalked it up to midlife crisis.  Little did I know what I was in for in the near future.....

Just the beginning

I have so many thoughts swirling through my head, where exactly do I begin?  When do I end.  My life up until about 6 months ago was quite average.  This blog is my mental therapy so to speak.  My good Juju...and of course a source of entertainment for those of you that need it.  Every laugh, every smile will make me smile as well.  Sit back, be amazed because what you read is real....despite my imagination I can't make this stuff up if I tried.