Memories of mom

As I lay in bed, my mind cluttered with thoughts, I realize what a gift it is that Ryan is competing on what would have been my mom's 70th birthday.  A few people have sent me messages asking why a visit to my mom post separation/divorce would be so hard?  The reason is simple, I often wonder if she would have seen through Richard, if she would have known that he was the wrong guy, a fake, and had she,  would I have listened?  

The truth is the death of my mom shaped me into who I am.  Raised by a single father I never got the chance to learn how to wear makeup, paint my nails, and do things that most girls do with their moms.  I had glimpses of what that was like, when I spent time with Richards mom. It's one of my biggest sadnesses of the divorce and one of the few people I mourn that I've lost through this nasty process of divorce and separation.

  

It's not all terrible, I have an amazingly strong relationship with my dad, I rarely wear makeup, and until recently didn't do my nails.  I do wonder how having her around would have shaped me as a person?  Would I do things different? Could I be less direct and rough around the edges?  There are days that I wish I could ask her, what she would have done?  How do I start over?  Did she know?  Am I doing things right? 

Every once in a while I swear there are signs that she sends me.  Just a few days ago I met a long lost friend that has been doing mission trips in Romania.  I can't wait to hear the stories as I feel like I'm missing some of my Romanian heritage.  

I do wish that my boys got to meet her, and I in a way wish that I did as well.  I don't remember a lot about my mom and the stories told to me often masquerade   as my own memories.  I don't remember her voice, her scent or her touch but have a few story's I've heard, and have a sprinkling of pictures of her that are proudly displayed at home. 

So today is special for all of us.  I've told Ryan that he's competing on his grandma's  birthday.  To him she's a mythical creature that I'm not sure he understands, but it's important to me to preserve what ever strings of heritage, love, and memories I can.....to to her I say I love and miss you, and I hope that I'm doing it right..... 

New beginnings

Today I awoke, my familiar, schedule was altered with the loss of my job Friday.  I woke up devastated, and became moreso as I read about the death last night of a former co-worker.

So I lost my job,.  My first thought as I laid in bed with sunlight flooding in my windows?  What am I going to do and what did I do to deserve this?  The past few years have been less than kind to me.  The events made me realize that I had come too complacent in my employment and my life.  It's like the familiar drive to work in the AM when you don't remeber how you got to your destination.  How did I miss the homeless man on the corner?  The sunrise?  Why is it ok to skip my morning run?  Is it good enough to work in a job, no.....work your ASS off for a company that treats you as a commodity?  The fact that I grieved the loss of my job is somewhat of a farce.....is my absence felt by my co workers?  The administration?

When did I lose sight of the simple things in life?  For years I've driven to and from work as a zombie collapsing in bed or in front of the TV so spent and exhausted.  Our employers want us to do more and expect less.  Why do we allow this?  How dare I......how dare we  compromise our well being and live the hum drum lives of a workaholics?

  So what's next?  I'm obviously pounding the pavement in the hopes of finding the right job.  My hope?  To find my passion!  To find a job that allows me to love my job and the people I work with. A company that cares about me as much as I care about them.  To love what I do and to give back to a community that is so deserving of passion.

I hope all of you take an inventory of your lives.  What's truly important?  What's not?  What are your dreams and are you moving towards them in the escalator of life?  It took the loss of my job and the loss of a distant co worker to look at mine.  I plan to smell the roses, enjoy my kids and my dogs , volunteer, get back into working out, sleep in, enjoy the sunrises and the sunsets, and stop to give that homeless man on the street what I can afford.