Memories of mom

As I lay in bed, my mind cluttered with thoughts, I realize what a gift it is that Ryan is competing on what would have been my mom's 70th birthday.  A few people have sent me messages asking why a visit to my mom post separation/divorce would be so hard?  The reason is simple, I often wonder if she would have seen through Richard, if she would have known that he was the wrong guy, a fake, and had she,  would I have listened?  

The truth is the death of my mom shaped me into who I am.  Raised by a single father I never got the chance to learn how to wear makeup, paint my nails, and do things that most girls do with their moms.  I had glimpses of what that was like, when I spent time with Richards mom. It's one of my biggest sadnesses of the divorce and one of the few people I mourn that I've lost through this nasty process of divorce and separation.

  

It's not all terrible, I have an amazingly strong relationship with my dad, I rarely wear makeup, and until recently didn't do my nails.  I do wonder how having her around would have shaped me as a person?  Would I do things different? Could I be less direct and rough around the edges?  There are days that I wish I could ask her, what she would have done?  How do I start over?  Did she know?  Am I doing things right? 

Every once in a while I swear there are signs that she sends me.  Just a few days ago I met a long lost friend that has been doing mission trips in Romania.  I can't wait to hear the stories as I feel like I'm missing some of my Romanian heritage.  

I do wish that my boys got to meet her, and I in a way wish that I did as well.  I don't remember a lot about my mom and the stories told to me often masquerade   as my own memories.  I don't remember her voice, her scent or her touch but have a few story's I've heard, and have a sprinkling of pictures of her that are proudly displayed at home. 

So today is special for all of us.  I've told Ryan that he's competing on his grandma's  birthday.  To him she's a mythical creature that I'm not sure he understands, but it's important to me to preserve what ever strings of heritage, love, and memories I can.....to to her I say I love and miss you, and I hope that I'm doing it right.....