walking the path alone

Today is the eve of  4 years ago when Ryan had his accident in the studio, looking back it's amazing to see how much has changed and yet it's amazing to see what hasn't.  The dynamic of everyday life has changed, or has it?  Fantastic friends have come into my life, and priceless friends have exited.

 It started as a regular day, and ended when I did my regular run to drop Ryan at the studio, Carson opted out of class that day.  It wasn't long before I received the relatively calm call from the studio given the circumstances.

The reality is that the details of the accident and the injury don't matter.  They did then and there are a few lasting effects of that day on Ryan, but the reality is that looking back tells an important story, one of walking a path as a parent, a wife, a person.  The accident itself made Ryan a stonger person, he learned he had to fight for what was important, and he was adamant that he would persevere, and that he did.

I didn't realize the absence of a two person household till that moment, and to be honest while in the thick of it it didn't register, it was just recently that it hit me just how alone I was.  I mean Carson was a sickly baby but I did have support, I had a husband that watched Ryan, he'd stop by the hospital, he tried as much as he could, that is what counted.

The biggest thing I remember about that accident was the guilt and the blame that was placed on me.  It was my fault that this happened, parents tend to have guilt when their children are sick, I was told often that this was my fault.  To this day I often  wonder if it was my fault, what if?  Could I have?  Should I have?  The next few days were a blur.  We had vistors, friends, family and a lot of support.  When I say we, let me clarify, I never saw my husband(other than a a scant hour while Ryan was in surgery), Ryan never saw his dad, and the blame was laid on thick......this was all my fault. I met surgeons, physical therapists, and doctors alone.  I fought for the benefit of outside physical therapy.

I was told Ryan would walk but he would have a limp, but the prospect of martial arts or any sport was uncertain, it was a balance issue and he might be able to go back but he would most likely not be the same and he would not be the same caliber of athlete.  I had no one to debrief with, I talked often to my dad, my sister, my friends, Ryan's coach Seth.  I had to be strong with those people, I couldn't cry, I was a force.  I had ton of support.  Seth often said he was coming back stronger, and I clung to that hope.

My purpose those few days was to make Ryan as happy and comfortable as possible.  Friends, pizza, love.  While the blame was still being laid out thick, my guilt was everywhere.  I saw it as Ryan was home and sleepless, his wheelchair was delivered.  I woke every hour to check on Ryan, check his circulation, make sure he wasn't wake, just looking up at the ceiling.  I did this alone, because I was still told this whole accident was my fault, I was told I was a sub rate mother.  I was exhausted and I was broken.   It was more painful than any slap, any kick, any punch.  Those are swift and momentarily painful, this was slow and continuos.  It broke something inside me that still is trying to be healed.

Today is significant because so much has changed.  Neither of my chidren or I are the happy go lucky people we once were.  Ryan is more introverted, more reserved and he grew up overnight.  More serious.  Too adult.  Some things don't change.  My son is competing today.  He sits alone away from the team, he has a hard time with relationships but, he's happy, he's healthy and he is as whole as can be expected.

I leave you with.....don't ever let anyone tell you you are anything less than you are.  Don't let anyone guilt you, don't allow anyone to damage you, or to damage your spirt within.  I say it, and I try hard to live it.  I've been hit, slapped, called names, it all chips away at you, recovery is slow.  Tell yourself that you are beautiful.   You are, don't let anyone take that away from you.  Getting it back is hard, almost impossible, I know, I try getting it back every day.

Happy Memorial Day?

I would be remiss if I didn't write about Memorial Day.  Historically it would be the day to go see my grandmother, my grandfathers and my mom, but the past few years have been hard and cemetery visits have been halted.  To be honest it's a perfect opportunity for me to realize, it's not always woe is me.  It's not a Happy Day, there is nothing happy about death, missing, or the real traumas associated with combat.  Do not wish someone a Happy Memorial Day, that just doesn't exist.

For years Memorial Day has been a day to enjoy the living.  Barbecues, the lake, the beach, relaxation.  It is so important to enjoy the living and enjoy life, but we can't forget those that are no longer with us and just as importantly, whether we know one or not, the servicemen that died defending out freedoms, It's important to take the time to thank those that served, its a time to memorialize the innocence of our veterans and their families. They have seen things I can not imagine.

You do not have to be a war supporter to thank men and woman for their service.  You do not have to be religious to say a silent prayer for that mother, father, or brother lost abroad or in their own homeland.  Wars and death allow you to live on the land you are living on, it allows you to eat the food on your table, it allows you the simple pleasures of voting, thinking, disagreeing.

I must remember when my days are hard, my nights sleepless, and I think things could be worse, that the man(we can't forget the women that serve)that I loved once is not missing and has not been taken from me protecting me, my family as well as strangers freedoms.  So many widows both young and old, those are the people we need to embrace. Have your fun, but take a minute to say thank you to a serviceman, say "you sacrificed your life" up to the sky, say thank you to a veteran, as that is where the heros of our freedoms can be found.

Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match!

Often on facebook I call out my crazy, strange and downright WTH posts that I get off eharmony or plenty of fish.  Most of my friends have a laugh or two, until yesterday. 

A friend replied to my saddness and asked me why not just everyday life?  Why not the grocery store, the Apple store,  the movies, a class, or the dog park?  In theory the pond is contaminated, the harmonization is off, the system is broken. 

What really happened to matchmakers?  Have they have become endangered in most cultures and relatively extinct in the mainstream?

It's one of the ugly truths of technology.  There is so much right about tech, but there is so much wrong.  It starts with our children that can not construct a letter let alone a sentance.  Texts have taken over with things like WYD, 4U, U2, etc....

I recently read that someone had served their husband divorce papers via Facebook.  Dates have changed to a meeting for coffee, or if you get lucky dinner.  You cross your fingers that while on your date there isn's someone sending a message to your profile that is better.  It's the question, Is there something better?  In reality it's common, a part of everyday life.   Is this the best job for me?, Is there a better house for me? Are my kids going to the best schools?  I like my car, but can I get more plush, better gas milage, more flashy?  You are sitting at dinner with Chris, or is it Connor, oh crap maybe it's Carl, anyway you are sitting there and you are wondering, should I stop and try this one out or has Kevin messaged me while I'm here?

If it's this bad now, what will it be like for out children?  For our grandchildren?  Will texted proposals be the norm?  Is there something that can be done to preserve the santity of face to face interaction, courting, and everyday life?

Is online dating the only way?  Is the old fashioned dating concept of the perfect girl meets the perfect boy, fall in love, happily ever after reserved exclusively for online dating?  Are there ways to meet people ala Hallmark movie Channel? 

This brings me to the question, is she right?  Am I playing right into the technology that I curse?  For all I know the right one is right under my nose, I just cant put my phone down long enough to see him.

You shouldn't have to beg

I tell my boys that every day people come and go out of our lives.  People that are close disappear in times of angst and those that are distant or obscure at times shine like pennies just like treasures.  I have noticed this in the past few years.

  I recently ate breakfast with a distant though treasured friend.  She knew I needed a lift and she was there.  We briefly discussed an encounter with very close friend that disappeared recently with a hasty defriend on Facebook.  I often wonder if she knew just how much it hurt to to go to her page to post something and realized that after 25+ years of friendship she was gone.  We had lunch plans the previous week and her husband and daughter wanted to do lunch the same day.  In my mind,  my significant other and family come first,  so I graciously bowed out.  As much as I like her husband and daughter a recent illness made it not so safe for me to be around small children.  I replied I would catch up with her the following week to find the defriend scenario.  We had in that 25+ years had lots of laughter and our fair share of tears.  Her niece was recently in a serious accident and I often checked in with her for updates, a fantastic reminder of just how life shows you that your problems are minuscule compared to others struggles.  We went though weddings ,health scares, accidents,  funerals, graduations, babies, infertility, and breakups, lots of breakups, together.

Now I realize that friends come and go.  I have lost so many cherished people with my divorce, etc, but some hit closer to home than others.  I realize that we must cleanse ourselves of toxic people but that sometimes toxicity is temporary and sometimes a word of encouragement makes more sense than turning your back in them.  I also made myself a promise, I'm not going to beg for someone's friendship.  I shouldn't have to.  We are all grown ups, we can all make decisions, and yes these decisions have consequences.  Think about this the next time you consider  pressing  the defriended button, a phone call to that person may make a world of difference, and could make their day.  Always try giving a hand up, instead of a step down.  Life's too short to settle for anything less. 

Wow, its been a long damn time

Time flies for  sure.  So much has changed(kids, divorced, friendships) yet time stands still on so much, Well I'm back(deleted a few of the entries), but now I'm public.  Hope the ones that followed continue, and hope I get a few more followers.  This one is short sweet and boring, stay tuned to more.  Hopefully stuff that makes you laugh, some that make you wonder what the hell was she thinking.  Stay tuned for an interesting ride!