walking the path alone

Today is the eve of  4 years ago when Ryan had his accident in the studio, looking back it's amazing to see how much has changed and yet it's amazing to see what hasn't.  The dynamic of everyday life has changed, or has it?  Fantastic friends have come into my life, and priceless friends have exited.

 It started as a regular day, and ended when I did my regular run to drop Ryan at the studio, Carson opted out of class that day.  It wasn't long before I received the relatively calm call from the studio given the circumstances.

The reality is that the details of the accident and the injury don't matter.  They did then and there are a few lasting effects of that day on Ryan, but the reality is that looking back tells an important story, one of walking a path as a parent, a wife, a person.  The accident itself made Ryan a stonger person, he learned he had to fight for what was important, and he was adamant that he would persevere, and that he did.

I didn't realize the absence of a two person household till that moment, and to be honest while in the thick of it it didn't register, it was just recently that it hit me just how alone I was.  I mean Carson was a sickly baby but I did have support, I had a husband that watched Ryan, he'd stop by the hospital, he tried as much as he could, that is what counted.

The biggest thing I remember about that accident was the guilt and the blame that was placed on me.  It was my fault that this happened, parents tend to have guilt when their children are sick, I was told often that this was my fault.  To this day I often  wonder if it was my fault, what if?  Could I have?  Should I have?  The next few days were a blur.  We had vistors, friends, family and a lot of support.  When I say we, let me clarify, I never saw my husband(other than a a scant hour while Ryan was in surgery), Ryan never saw his dad, and the blame was laid on thick......this was all my fault. I met surgeons, physical therapists, and doctors alone.  I fought for the benefit of outside physical therapy.

I was told Ryan would walk but he would have a limp, but the prospect of martial arts or any sport was uncertain, it was a balance issue and he might be able to go back but he would most likely not be the same and he would not be the same caliber of athlete.  I had no one to debrief with, I talked often to my dad, my sister, my friends, Ryan's coach Seth.  I had to be strong with those people, I couldn't cry, I was a force.  I had ton of support.  Seth often said he was coming back stronger, and I clung to that hope.

My purpose those few days was to make Ryan as happy and comfortable as possible.  Friends, pizza, love.  While the blame was still being laid out thick, my guilt was everywhere.  I saw it as Ryan was home and sleepless, his wheelchair was delivered.  I woke every hour to check on Ryan, check his circulation, make sure he wasn't wake, just looking up at the ceiling.  I did this alone, because I was still told this whole accident was my fault, I was told I was a sub rate mother.  I was exhausted and I was broken.   It was more painful than any slap, any kick, any punch.  Those are swift and momentarily painful, this was slow and continuos.  It broke something inside me that still is trying to be healed.

Today is significant because so much has changed.  Neither of my chidren or I are the happy go lucky people we once were.  Ryan is more introverted, more reserved and he grew up overnight.  More serious.  Too adult.  Some things don't change.  My son is competing today.  He sits alone away from the team, he has a hard time with relationships but, he's happy, he's healthy and he is as whole as can be expected.

I leave you with.....don't ever let anyone tell you you are anything less than you are.  Don't let anyone guilt you, don't allow anyone to damage you, or to damage your spirt within.  I say it, and I try hard to live it.  I've been hit, slapped, called names, it all chips away at you, recovery is slow.  Tell yourself that you are beautiful.   You are, don't let anyone take that away from you.  Getting it back is hard, almost impossible, I know, I try getting it back every day.