It's not one I'm proud of and to be honest I'm hoping it's a date that will one day slither to the back of my mind. One day it will be just another date....better yet, maybe a date of liberation, freedom, happiness, A year ago my marriage officially ended. The DNR to our relationship was signed and dated by both parties. Let's get something straight....my marriage was never rainbows, butterflies and bunnies. It was a convenience, one filled with lies, cheating, deceit and sadly abuse. Call me crazy, I still consider it a failure. We are taught as kids to never throw in the towel. We are bombarded with the good guy winning, the fairy tale, happily ever after. Mine was not. It was a relationship with one sided love, I can honestly say I was never loved by my ex, or any other man in a relationship for that matter. It's a hard fact to realize, I see videos of 80 year old still in love like teens, It's something I never had in my 20's, and I have to wonder if I ever will. With theses revelations it brought the end of other failures like a tsunami of sorrows. The dreams of a third child-all but gone, the state my kids are in, and the failure of promises made to each other. I see couples face cancer, depression, addiction, how do they make it through? How do some relationships withstand the storm and get stronger? It's a question that I can't answer and still wonder. How did I get so "lucky"? Was it to teach me lessons on strength and perseverance? A lesson on sharpening my radar? A warning to heed for other relationships that the sticky sweet Facebook lives we see are often mere fantasy? The fact is that my marriage and my short other relationships have hardened me. I find it hard to trust, hard time put the fence down. It's not like a regular picket fence it hard razor sharp barbed wire along the top. Often when I think of getting close to someone that barbed wire comes into place. Do I have the ability to love again? I read something today that relationships are like shoes, I liked this and thought more on the subject. You try them on, some fit, some don't. Often they rub the wrong way and cause friction. Sometimes you have more than one pair....The problem is that these days people are so ready to discard shoes because of any minor scuff or blemish. What people don't understand is that cheaper is not always better. Always choose the louboutins. You'll take better care of them and they'll last a lifetime. A pair of shoes that are worth repair, that you will love, value, wear them proudly, and care for them. They aren't always comfortable but you grit your teeth and deal with it. The bottom line, love what you have, screw what you don't (figuritively people) and smile. Today I'll be smiling through tears, I'll hit the gym to work through some rough spots, buy myself some flowers, I wouldn't want to do it in any other pair of my shoes but....my Louboutins....
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